Sunday, October 23, 2005

Dark Days

It hasn't been a good day. The mind has kept traveling back to places it shouldn't go and churning up mistakes and regrets that would be best forgotten. It's one of those days where I would have no trouble pulling the trigger and splattering my brains all over the wall if it weren't for the fact that my life would be so pathetically forgotten the moment I was gone.

Upon a friend's advice I laid out in the sun, but that didn't help either. The fall weather just makes me think of the happy weekends I used to spend in Dallas enjoying this kind of weather with someone who cared about me. Now I just sit lonely and alone.

Of the two women I've ever had love me, I broke the first one's heart and destroyed her life. The second, who I thought would always stand by me, now refuses to even acknowledge my existence. Why does fate always prove so cruel?

I know I should be grateful. Some are never fortunate enough to experience love in the first place. But maybe they are actually the lucky ones -- never having to experience the hurt that always seems to follow.

I'm going to go eat another tub of ice cream and loathe myself for being such a woman.
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