Thursday, August 30, 2007

A Clean Slate

A clean slate – that’s what I’m calling it.

It sounds way more positive than “starting over.” I’m doing all I can to see the positive in all of this. I mean, there are definitely some positive things. Before this relationship, I was bound and determined never to get too involved, much less married again. If you can stay “easy come-easy go,” it never hurts too much when they do inevitably go. That view has definitely changed. I finally realized that unless I do put it all on the line, they will always go.

Maybe it was just the right time in my life or maybe I just finally met someone wonderful enough that I actually didn’t want them to go. Whatever it was, I can honestly say this was the first time in my life that I actually put my whole self out on there on the line and lived for the other person more than myself. I wish I’d been able to do it earlier in the relationship, but at least I still got there.

This was also the first relationship I’ve ever had where I was able to forgive mistakes and continue to love the beautiful but imperfect person inside. That was a big step for me. In the past if I felt wronged, that person would end up begrudged for life, and I would most likely never speak to them again. I finally realized that I’m far from perfect myself, and I worked really hard to forgive. Sometimes it was extremely hard, and I think maybe I was too forgiving when I should have put my foot down. I guess I was just overcompensating trying to make up for my past track record and worried that I just wasn’t trying hard enough.

It’s amazing how fast people can change though. There’s nothing that hurts quite as much as returning an engagement ring. One day you’ve got plans – then next day, clean slate.

I knew the clean slate was coming though as I saw her start pushing me away weeks ago. I’m not happy it did happen, but it’s almost a sense of relief that I don’t have to worry it might happen anymore. It’s kind of like ripping the band-aid off the wound instead of just sitting there and peeling it slowly. I really did all I could to keep her from successfully pushing me away, but when someone that stubborn makes up her mind about something, there’s no changing it. You can’t work out problems in a relationship no matter how loving and forgiving you are if the other person has already decided that they just don’t want it to work.

I’m trying hard not to fall into my usual pit of despair, but it hasn’t been an easy day. As usual I can’t eat or sleep. My stomach already sucks when I’m not upset, so it really sucks when I am upset. During our previous break-ups it would be 2 or 3 days after Emily and I had reconciled before my stomach would finally relax enough that I could eat again, so this may end up being quite a fast. That’s not really a good thing since I’m already kind of scrawny to start with.

The worst though was this morning. I had laid awake all night before drifting off sometime around 5 a.m. Then the alarm went off at 6, and the dog had snuggled up against my back. I thought it was Em. I hit snooze and rolled over to throw my arms around her only to realize it was just the dog, and then I suffered the unmerciful shock back to reality as I remembered that she was gone.

I was excited that I finally ordered cable for the house this week. They’re installing it tomorrow, but I just realized that Jace owns the TV in my living room, and Emily owns the one in my bedroom. I think I’m going to have to do some TV shopping before the weekend is over if I actually want to use the cable. That’s ok though. I guess it finally gives me an excuse to get a flat screen, and it will actually be kind of nice to buy something for myself for the first time in months.

I’m not real sure what to do with all this time on my hands. I used to work on the Mustang when I was stressed, but I sold the Mustang back in April when I was trying to pay down my debt and get my priorities straight in an effort to create a successful relationship. Working on cars somehow just numbs my mind to everything except the nuts and bolts. If I was changing out the heads or tuning a carburetor, there was nothing on my mind except the work at hand. Music is a great pastime, but it tends to amplify my emotions, and right now I just need to get them shut off. I’m kind of scared to pick up the guitar.

Whatever the case, I’m sure this weekend will involve drinking heavily. I wonder if I can finish the huge bottle of Crown from Mexico before Emily comes to get it.

To all the people I’ve ignored and blown off over the past 8 months, I sincerely apologize. I really just wanted to make sure I gave my all to this relationship, but I was wrong to sacrifice my friendships to do so. Next beer is on me.
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