Sunday, February 17, 2008

You're never as strong the day after

Ever notice how when you get all fired up about something controversial and you make a big stand about it, you're never as strong after the fact. The second guessing starts, and you wonder if you really did make the right decision or if you just made the biggest mistake of your life.

I was pretty proud of myself when I texted my ex's boyfriend to tell him that she was cheating on him. I knew she'd never speak to me again, and I didn't care. I knew it was the right thing to do to let the poor bastard know she was screwing around. But it's been about 48 hours since then, and now ... not so great. It finally set in that her not talking to me anymore really means I'm not going to hear from her anymore. When you've waited five months to finally have someone talking to you again, kissing you again, holding you again ... it's pretty rough the suddenly have it jerked away again. I know, it's pathetic, but it's the nature of humanity.

Of course I broke down and wrote her hoping that some magic combination of words paired with the outpouring of my heart would be enough to actually change her mind and bring her back. I don't know why I ever think that will work because I've been pouring out my heart in loveletters since around age 13 and never once can I think of an instance where a letter or a poem or a song or any gesture I've ever made has been enough to bring a woman back once she decided to leave -- which seems to be a popular trend among women in my life.

It's strange, up until I graduated college, I could never even get women to go out with me. Then I don't know if I just got more confident or outgoing or better looking or what, but suddenly it was no longer a problem of getting them to go out with me, but a problem getting them to stick around after they went out with me. I don't know which is more torturous.

Despite the emotional torture, today was the best day of my recovery thus far. I did wake up at 4:30 a.m. just unable to cope with the pain, but after taking the pain medication this morning I was able to just take Tylenol the rest of the day. I also ate pancakes, grilled cheese and pasta. That's a huge improvement over jello and jello. It does get rough trying to finish an entire meal though. It seems like they should be able to give you some sort of rubber insert sleeve for your throat, so that it guards your stitches from the food you eat until they're healed. Then again, I think your sinus cavities should just be sealed off with latex, so most doctors would find my ideas a bit too "progressive" for modern science. Anyway, I was able to stay up most of the day. I finally crashed around 5:00 and took a nap due to the pain and exhaustion. But I got back up at 6:30 and went to the grocery store and video store with my mom. Even though I only took Tylenol all day, she still wouldn't let me drive.

I rented Eastern Promises. Overall I enjoyed the movie, but I seriously could have gone my entire life without seeing Vigo Mortenson have a naked knife fight. After that I watched In the Land of Women. I like that too. I connected a bit more with Adrian Brody's character since I am a writer whereas I've never been in the Russian mafia or had naked knife fights.

Anyway, I was joking with my friend Jennette when she stopped by the other day that without any women in my life and with all this time on my hands, I should focus on deep-thinking and come up with a wise monk-like thought for each day. Well, I can't promise I'll ever have one again, but here's today's thought: If you're unhappy with the state of your life, it's time to pick up and move to the next state.

I have no idea how that applies in your life, but it's pretty obvious how it applies to mine. I ended up a newspaper editor 9 months out of school. In under a year I went from a guy who did nothing, but play guitar in a band, hang out and drink to a guy who was running a business, hiring and firing people. I took on a lot of responsibility fast. Ever since I left that job, I've been thankful I'm not in charge and I've been shirking responsibility. Well, the time has come to stop shirking that responsibility. It's time to stop putting things off and saying, "Someday, I'd like to do this or that."

I've been saying for years how I want to make some short films. The problem is, I've never written one single script. I keep putting it off because I think my ideas aren't good enough or not fleshed out enough. The thing is, any idea that actually makes it to paper is worth a million times more than the best idea that never leaves someone's head. Half the absolute crap out there only got made because that person had the gumption to write that crap down. I need some gumption.

It's almost 1:30 in the morning, so I guess I'm going to stop rambling and get some sleep. I try to time my bedtime with the time I take my pain medication to maximize the sleep I get, but it always seems like I take it and get to doing something. Then I get mad at myself because I know I just cheated myself out of sleep. I think it must be because I actually feel decent enough to do something, so I subconsiously keep doing other things instead of going to bed. I'm going to bed now though.