Monday, October 25, 2010

In the wake of my destruction

Everything is broken. How does this happen? The last time things were this bad was just after my ex-wife had moved out. The transmission on my car started making a loud grinding sound and quit. The washing machine filled up with water and stopped. The computer went to blue screen and stayed there. Even the neck decided to pop out of the body of my guitar as I was lugubriously strumming it, mourning my misfortune.

Life got better ... eventually. Yet somehow, five years later, we're back to that place. I tried to take my parents out on the boat Sunday morning, it blew antifreeze everywhere and overheated. I was driving my dad back to my sister's house, and the car blew oil everywhere and died. The extremely expensive camera stopped turning off. The TV no longer has sound 50 percent of the time. The computer, three-times replaced since the blue screens of 2005 now has to have the memory and SATA cables unplugged and reseated every three or four hours to continue functioning. The cost of trying to fix or replace all of these things that have suddenly died at once is just overwhelming.

How does my life get to these points? I do hours of research before making a purchase to ensure that I'm getting a quality product that's not going to up-and-die in six months. Yet, it seems that if there is a defect in the lot, I'm guaranteed it.

Is it sheer coincidence that all these product lives all happen to expire at the same time? Is there some sort of negative energy caused by me or my home that destroys things? Am I subconsciously sabotaging everything I own to punish myself because I don't think I deserve to live a happy life?

I wish I knew the answer. The debt is mounting. I've got to shed expenses and simplify my life again to stay afloat. Does that mean the car has to go? Probably. Does that mean the boat has to go? Most likely. I may even have to abandon my beloved iPhone and go back to a non-data plan.

Five years later I'm back to a world of sitting at home alone with the dog. How many times will history repeat itself? How will I break free of this cycle?

They say, the things you own end up owning you. So is owning nothing the only way to happiness?

And more importantly, when you own nothing, what the hell do you do with all your free time?!!!
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